Definition of success: why yours differs from your neighbour's

Two people reach exactly the same goal, the same title, the same salary, the same house, and one feels fulfilled while the other feels an emptiness they can't quite explain. The explanation lies in them measuring success against different rulers the whole time, not in a lack of gratitude.

What well-being research shows

Psychologist Ed Diener, one of the most cited figures in well-being research, defined subjective well-being in 1984 through three components: the frequency of positive emotions, the absence of persistent negative emotions, and the cognitive evaluation a person makes of their own life, what's called life satisfaction. Source: Diener, "Subjective well-being", Psychological Bulletin, 1984 Notice what's missing from this definition: no reference to title, wealth, or external recognition. Well-being is measured by how a person feels and evaluates their own life, not by what that life looks like from the outside.

The income paradox

One of the most robust findings from Diener's research and other well-being researchers is that income rose sharply in developed countries over the past decades, without a proportional rise in average life satisfaction. Money helps, especially once it covers basic needs and reduces financial stress, but it stops paying off the same way past a certain point. If success is defined purely in terms of income or wealth, the target keeps moving further ahead, because the reference point rises too.

Why we compare, and with whom

Part of the explanation lies in an older theory. Psychologist Leon Festinger proposed social comparison theory in 1954, arguing that we evaluate our own worth and success by comparing ourselves to other people, especially when objective criteria for "how we're doing" are missing. Source: Festinger, "A theory of social comparison processes", Human Relations, 1954 The important detail, confirmed by later research from Diener and his colleague Christie Napa Scollon, is that people actively choose who they compare themselves to. That means your sense of success depends as much on what you achieve as on who you place next to it, often without realizing you're making that choice.

Success relative to your own values, not someone else's

If the comparison reference is chosen, not fixed, the more useful question stops being "am I doing as well as so-and-so" and becomes "does this bring me closer to what I actually value." Each person's personal values, in Schwartz's model, decide what counts as success far more reliably than any external marker. For someone who values loyalty and relationships, success might look like a present family. For someone who values growth and novelty, it might look like a path full of fresh starts that, from the outside, looks like instability. Neither reading is wrong, which is why a neighbour's definition of success rarely fits your own life.

To take with you

Success is a personal evaluation that depends on your values and on who you choose to compare yourself with, more than a universal measure applying the same way to everyone. The most useful definition comes from asking what you actually value, before deciding what counts as a win.

Frequently asked questions

What is success, from a psychological point of view?

There's no single definition. Subjective well-being research, from Ed Diener, measures three components instead: the frequency of positive emotions, the absence of persistent negative emotions, and the evaluated satisfaction with one's own life. None of these depends directly on title or wealth.

Does more money bring more success and happiness?

It helps up to the point of covering needs and reducing financial stress, but research shows income rose far more than average life satisfaction over recent decades. Past that point, the effect is much smaller than usually assumed.

Why do I compare myself to others so much?

Social comparison theory, from Leon Festinger (1954), explains that we use other people as a reference when objective criteria for evaluating our own performance are missing. The detail is that we actively choose who we compare ourselves to, often without noticing.

How do I define my own success?

Starting from your own personal values, not someone else's. What counts as success changes depending on whether you value loyalty, growth, security or freedom more, which is why someone else's definition rarely fits your life.

Agapone helps you map your own values before accepting someone else's definition of success. Explore the lifestyle category to go deeper.